Motherhood

Second Chance....

My favourite saying on a wall hanging given by someone :
"Even if I had another chance I would still choose you !"

Happy Valentines Day everyone

The (Birth)day that was ....

So , another year gone by ...If I could put a flavor to my past years ...2009 was definitely Salty ...With all the tears, bloodshed, rage , despair, gut wrenching silence and battles lost.
Got home from office yesterday ...dreading the day ahead....Just not wanting to begin another year with this feeling....But also hoping that the new year brings back THE smile that I feel from the left side of my chest, rather than what shows on my face ...I ve almost forgotten how it feels to sleep and get up with different thoughts ...

Come 12pm , friends came over with the most amazing 4 layered cake and champagne ...God bless them .....really cheered me up for the time they were in my house....They left me in the same emptiness by 2pm....I just stood in front of the mirror and wondered if I feel any older, more importantly any wiser ?? I had a feeling I would not like the answer, so I slept instead !

The next day was BAU (god I am using that in my blog sentence!!), meetings, meeting and just for a change ...more meetings. Then my ritualistic visit to the temple...People who know me would think I visit the temple only on my b'day because god cant say 'No' to my demands on that day :D (Somewhere I think that may be the reason). But this time I had things to tell Him, things to ask ...Just the same dialogue between me and Him (Its amazing how he answers my questions from within me, the answer just pops up in my head, I swear !) The only difference was that the issues this time needed the water power from my eyes to try to blackmail Him into considering my suggestions, which I offered abundantly then and in the past year.

Its unbelievable if I tell you that this is the ONLY year where I did not buy a new dress for myself, more amazing is the reason that I did not feel like it. I know, I know you must be thinking , what a vain girl I am ..Thats not it, b'days are a big thing, they come only once in a long, boring, tiring year and when you feel the day should never end, the only day when you ask your boss anything and he will ‘think’ before he refuses :-)
But a couple of things definitely distinguished it from any other day. A couple of mails having exactly a couple of lines. Dad, who NEVER ever remembers my birthday , and never mails me , wrote 2 lines, which instantly got the waterworks going. The other mail, exactly 2 lines , well...I dont know what to say ...Is it possible to be exactly happy and really sad at the same time ?? I have done it, my friend :-D
A couple of bouquets, a couple of boxes of chocolate and a teddy bear from a couple of very very unexpected people completed the day. Thank you for thinking I am that special :-) Dinner with a couple and a friend and a long roofless drive to Scottsdale downtown under a hazy cloudy cold moon completed the "special" day of the year.

I just hope and pray with all my heart that this year is all about light - Light at the end of a long, dark and very cold tunnel , Bright lights of celebration of the MOST important day of my life , watching a smile light up my parent's face, bringing in the light of knowledge and many more ....

Let me go....

Curiously, 3 people in the past week have asked me the same question - "Who in their right frame of mind would let you go , girl ??".
The knowledge that I know the answer to that is like a splinter dug in my heart .

My December...

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
These are my snow-covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I'll ever need ....

Courtesy : "My December" by Linkin Park

Merry Christmas to all !

Lonely or just….. Alone.

We have been taught in school “Man is a social Animal”. What connotation does this have in our present day and age of instant communication…Are we moving farther away by being in constant touch?

I remember my school days, when I used to wait for a letter from my granny telling me news about my cousins, summer holidays when I used to write a letter to my best friend and eagerly wait for a reply with bated breath, when I used to send my poems to the local newspaper and watch out for my column every day , when I used to find that “I am sorry” note from my sister. That actually felt special, someone taking the pain of actually writing a long mail. Today it either a voicemail, a scrap or even just a status on your Gtalk or Facebook which conveys what you are going through to your friend or the entire world for that matter. Are these just the means to convey “I am thinking of you” without too much effort or are we converging more and more inside, that we don’t know how to share anymore. Is this quickfix going to stick ?

Most people in today’s fast paced world lead lives of silent isolation. They laugh, talk, eat , party and go out like all of us , but when it comes to their innermost feelings, only their heart or some online journal knows the whole story. Have smileys made way for genuine human emotion? Can the sheer intensity be felt through a :-(. Its like we are going back to the caveman days come to think about it, when the power of language and communication hadn’t yet been discovered, and all we had were signs. Has the internet made even feelings …Virtual??

A lot of people mistake loneliness with being alone. They are different, trust me on this. There are occasions when you wait to be alone at home, so you can do your most fave stuff. For me , it’s a hot bubble bath , just reading in the tub and eating a bar of my fave chocolate. I can do that when everybody’s home too, but there’s something about the knowledge that nobody’s home that makes it a lot more special! Plus my mom would say its grouse :D I like to have dinner at my fave Italian place Alone , just sipping on my wine , and watching the families talk, or watching two lovers who are so oblivious to the world, or just smiling at the kids running around . Or a long walk in the moonlight, just listening to all the fave songs on my iTouch, that’s how I would always love it. It’s a great date with myself and I love every min of it …Loneliness is far away from my mind, I just want to be Alone.

But we all feel that emptiness ..at various phases , the pinch of loneliness. When I see Titanic, see a shooting star, read my mom’s email about a new recipe I should try , buy a new dress and don’t have my best friends to show off, alone on a Friday night, when my bags are packed and I look back at my home for one last time , I feel alone, Like I am the ONLY person in the entire galaxy ….But the next instant , I pick up my phone and call my best friend, oceans away and just few words “Its gonna be all right babe”, or “You KNOW I am more screwed than you are ;-)” or "Tell me what happened " makes you feel that you are not going to go through this alone. That someone always will hurt more for you than you will for yourself….. I wanna wish that friend a Very Happy Birthday …N sorry I missed celebrating it …Will , as soon as you get back :D

Maybe even all that evolution did not change the basic foundation of human nature , man(more so Woman in this matter) is as social an animal as he/she was ….He just changed his language again :D Just like how bell bottoms came back in fashion ......

SoulMate

Its such a cliché , that we never stop and ponder its actual meaning. Its so frivolously used by college students (who change partners faster than clothes), in movies and expressions of love on Archie's greetings that it has just become an extension of the words boyfriend/girlfriend. The power and significance behind calling a person your soulmate has perhaps lost its meaning in this day and age. Its almost being used as a decorative word to describe the person that you are "currently" dating.

The stories passed on from generations is that when a person dies, sometimes his ‘soul’ is split in two , and each goes into a different person – a male and a female. Then starts the journey of each finding the other person, leading to a romance spanning centuries and births. This is where more cliché dialogues like “You complete me “ or "I feel incomplete without you "comes into the picture.

I was reading a book ‘Brida’ by Paulo Coelho, which puts forward a very interesting and disturbing concept. The magician in the book believes that the soul splits 7 ways. So a person has 6 other people in this wide world who could be his/her soulmate. I know it definitely makes the search easier, but for die hard lovers of eternal romance, this is a disturbing fact. The whole idea of soulmate revolves around your other half, split right down the middle, so it’s an open ended questions…Can we have more than one soul mates? Is it possible that a person loves you more than he loves himself ?

There is a very simple story I had heard some time ago. A story defining what love is. A youth in his prime asks his master what love is ? The master asks him to go to the garden and pick the most beautiful flower he can find. But once he has passed a flower , he is not allowed to turn back to it. The youth , though wondering how this is going to answer his question , obeys his master. He goes from flower to flower looking for the best one. But everytime he finds an amazing one , he thinks to himself, "What if I find a better on in the next row" and leaves the flower and moves on. This happens a couple of times, before he reaches the end of the flower bed. This is when he realizes, the flower at the beginning was the most beautiful he had ever seen. Dejected, he goes to the master. The master says "This my boy, is love. When we are lucky enough to find the love of our life , we give it away or let it slip away from our hands thinking it was never meant to happen, and someone made for us is just around the corner. A few, very few possess the courage ,spirit and fierce love to truly acknowledge the fact that they have met their soulmate and their search has ended. That they would fight any circumstance,temptation and storm to be with their soul. That my son , is love....Eternal and forever."

The youth , still having his doubts asks " Then what my lord is marriage ?". The master smiles and asks the youth to again go to the garden and pick the best flower he can find and as usual, he is not supposed to turn back to a flower once he has passed it. The youth confident this time , picks the first beautiful flower that he finds and brings it back to the master. The master says, "This is marriage my son. Where we choose the person we want to spend the rest of our life with and then spend the rest our life making it work.

But we also find another kind, who find their soulmate and are destined to spend their life in togetherness and love, where each day is a celebration and each year a milestone of eternal harmony and peace. Do you think such stories are only found in movies and Mills n Boon romances ? Each relationship has its ups an downs, the effort ,determination and sacrifices in blood to make it happen is what makes all the difference , which can only stem from the intensity of love for each other . I have been fortunate in my life to have known people like that , seen what it feels like to share your life with your soulmate and understood the true meaning of a partner. For that , I humbly bow before god because it cannot be described in words, as is true for the most innocent and fiercest of human emotions. The true nature of it stands the test of time, consequences, temptation, greed and lust.

As the saying goes, "You should not marry the person who you can live with, but who you cant live without".